Helen Greenwald

Adaptation

Fri, 23 Oct 2020 11:23:49 +0200

Every week I receive a report on my average screen time spent daily on both iPhone and iPad. This week’s statistics were almost unbelievable: I’ve spent four hours and fifteen minutes per day on my phone. What was I doing? Watching cute videos of cats and dogs on Facebook? Reading/writing emails? Group chatting on Viber? Rearranging playlists on Spotify? I only hope that most of that time was spent researching my future writing projects; otherwise, it seems I’ve squandered an awful lot of hours. I could have spent those four hours swinging by the marketplace and buying fresh vegetables, going for a walk, cooking a proper meal, having lunch/dinner with my husband, and afterward, still have the time to wash the dishes. Or I could have a coffee with my friend.

Before I got my first computer, before smartphones and social networking, I could spend hours reading a book or staying quiet and still, simply enjoying the solitude. Nowadays, every hour of every day seems to be eaten up before the day has even begun. We fill our time with work, errands, meetings… There is this constant fear that we are running out of time: we’re late for something, we’ll miss a deadline or something important – our anxiety mounts as we sit in our car behind a stationary line of traffic. Our bodies appear to be motionless, but there is nothing tranquil within us. Instead, there is this restless energy that wants us to accelerate and push forward. Do something. Go home. Whatever. Just not stay still.

When we met with our friends in the past, no one ever checked their phone; no one ever canceled or postponed our get-togethers as often as people do today. We always showed up, happy to see each other, offering hearty hugs, laughing, talking, and listening. Yet, the current pandemic is forcing us to withdraw from people even more. We are carefully choosing who should we meet, even more so who are we going to touch or hug. I often fear that holding a dinner party in our homes could become too risky in the future, even a luxury. We are spending more time online, chatting, in video meetings, sending silly memes via Viber, Messenger, expressing our feelings with GIFs and emoticons. But is this something human nature can adapt to without psychological consequences? We perceive the world around us with five (or more) senses; many of us can instinctively readanother person’s feelings and moods. We know who likes us a lot, who is neutral, and whose feelings are mixed or complicated. We can perceive who’s anxious, who’s relaxed or angry, who holds a grudge against someone or something. In the virtual world, things are one dimensional, confusing, empty, flat, and thus less instinctive. We must make sense of one piece of information. Or if we’re lucky, we might get an emoticon – one that may even confuse us with its expression of some irrelevant feeling. The situation is exacerbated because we are not used to communicating in this way for long periods. We have no choice but to try to interpret or guess, to unravel what the other person meant to say. When talking to someone, we naturally know how to filter the important things from the unimportant, but with one-dimensional communication, we are confused, frustrated, and often misunderstood.

My grandparents were farmers; they kept animals and a decent chunk of land. They were proud owners and very hard workers. Interestingly enough, they never forced, nor even tried to teach their four grandchildren how to work the land or tend to the animals. I always loved reading, while my cousin enjoyed playing video games. Sometimes he’d challenge me to play against him, and I almost always agreed. He’d hook his Commodore 64 up to our black-and-white TV set, along with the joysticks, and we would play up to the final level of a video game. After that, I’d go back to reading, while my cousin would begin hunting for a new game. My grandmother always let us do whatever children do nowadays. Was that the first step in equipping us for the changes we would face in the future? But how could anyone possibly know what was coming or how to adequately prepare us for it?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word ‘adaptation’ defines modification of an organism or its parts that makes it more fit for existence under the conditions of its environment: a heritable physical or behavioural trait that serves a specific function and improves an organism's fitness or survival.

How far are we willing to go, to adapt, just to survive? I imagine all the way, because we always go forward, towards the future. It’s called progress. At least, that’s what I hope it is.

If our parents and grandparents tried to prepare us for our future, what are we doing for future generations? Are we taking the future too seriously or are we being irresponsible in ignoring the need to just be human? The two previous generations left us to do our thing, while we are encouraging future generations to be as busy as possible. We drive them to ballet lessons, Chinese language courses, indoor wall climbing, music lessons, martial arts, etc. Our children will learn how to be disciplined, skilled, and resourceful; how to be an individual; develop empathy, social skills, and emotional maturity, although that may come last on the list. First, humans need to be loved, seen for who they are, and not so much for what they do or have done (that comes later). A hunger for love and approval is a basic human trait and something we continually search for in the outside world. But today – maybe more than ever – individualism is emphasized above everything else. As a result, anyone who is emotionally immature is not allowed to feel ‘complete’ and consequently lacks the confidence to be true to themselves.

My grandparents simply didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and study, and because of that, they wanted us to have a chance for a better life. They believed that the future might be easier for an educated person. Yet today, the ever-rising demand for educational achievement leads to fierce competition, where only the best humans can succeed – and win. Win what? The chance to compete with Artificial Intelligence on the next level?

The idea of competing with AI may sound a bit like a sci-fi movie script, a conspiracy theory even. But, if we compare the old world in which our great-grandparents couldn’t have even begun to imagine having an iPhone, iPad or a computer – then the idea of AI progressing naturally is not so farfetched. Recently I watched the documentary The Social Dilemma, where gigantic computers were connected, processing enormous amounts of information (including all sorts of personal information from social media) using preset algorithms. These algorithms could, over time, alter themselves and take a new self-determined course. And outsmart humans? Maybe such supercomputers are already working on their own; who’s to tell? We can even imagine, with our limited brain processing, what could happen when all of the information out there is available in one place and the AI starts connecting the dots. It wasn’t that long ago when, if you wanted to find something out, you went to the library; now, all this information can be easily accessed via our home computers linked to the World Wide Web. The notion of AI taking over is a scary thought, and yet fascinating at the same time – I have to admit. Things will take their natural course; although, wasn’t it always like that?

Adaptation. With change happening so rapidly, how can we cope emotionally, find some common sense, reliable facts, coherence, and sanity?

Is it this rapid change that’s causing us to be so preoccupied, radicalized? Politically, racially, socially, economically. Is that why we are so opinionated? Is there no more room for dialog? Simply put, does life resemble a one-dimensional Viber chat, where two persons are trying to communicate.

Aren’t we, in a way, similar to the computer algorithms? Some will naturally choose a path and adapt – in a way that helps them survive. Some simply cannot. It’s evolution. If we consider that many psychological disorders (which are on the increase) result in overwhelming emotions, especially depression and anxiety, we might say that our emotional world is delayed. Under-developed. Symptomatic. Are emotions getting in our way and stopping us from successfully evolving? Or do we need to face our emotions and act upon what we find? Do something. Accept the emotional human being within ourselves - before we get outsmarted.

I am thinking of ending things

Fri, 02 Oct 2020 12:11:53 +0200

“People like to think of themselves as points moving through time, but I think it’s probably the opposite. We’re stationary and time passes through us. Blowing like cold wind, stealing our heat.” – The Young Woman

"Very nice parents, you chose well my friend." - The Young woman

"Everything wants to live Jake. Viruses are just one more example of everything." - The Young woman

Charlie Kaufman's new movie title suggests something grim and final, suicidal even. But right after the initial horror, morbid curiosity holds us to stay a little longer, to inquire how and why someone is thinking of ending things. People often stop near devastating car accidents to witness something bigger than their everyday life, something irreversible and shocking. They just stand and stare, as if fascinated by the prospect of death. What happened?

Throughout our lives, we develop different perspectives when facing death. As children we became aware of it, when young we think we are invincible and death usually happens to someone else. With age we form a more intimate relationship with death; we know it will come, but hope that it will be gentle with us – never now, of course, but when the time is right. Acceptance usually comes at the very last stages of dying.

Suicide usually elicits prejudice and requires an explanation. Even a suicide note can sometimes appear trivial, leaving us unable to understand what pushed someone to end their life like that. Nothing is worth dying for – for someone who needs nothing to change.

What happens when death and the unknown are the only viable alternative? When everything is meaningless, except permanent change? What if permanent only means a very long time, because nothing is still forever. Therefore, death may be a natural transformation of active energy into inactive, simply waiting to be roused back to life.

Life and death are linked through passion. The sexual act ushers one from childhood into adulthood. Sex itself is also the climax of life: it’s the greatest physical joy there is and through all this (impulsive) passion and energy exchange, new life may erupt. Children in general symbolize hope, innocence, progress, and change. At the birth of a child, there is always fresh hope that life will somehow become easier and better for humanity in general. It’s also comforting to imagine that this improved life may carry on without us: a part of us will always live through our children and their children... Children want to live. They are lively, joyful, playful creatures. Their cute helplessness is their survival mechanism – we want to take care of them. We want to protect them.

Interestingly, the most resilient things in the world are simple organisms: bacteria and viruses. There is no other way for them to die unless we find a way to destroy them. Viruses and bacteria have no intention of dying; their purpose is to remain and thrive. All living organisms, structures, bodies, and entities require resilience, and to some degree develop parasitic characteristics, such as a virus. We all moveforward in life and change, just like viruses mutate. Yet, for some reason, the urge to survive is becoming more and more fierce and resources for one’s survival are becoming limitless, a kind of collateral. The darkest part of the night is just before dawn.

(Spoiler alert)

The movie isn’t about suicide; she is thinking of ending her relationship. It begins by introducing a relationship between a young man and a young woman. They meet, they have an intense connection, and are on their way to meet his parents. The female character is bubbly on the surface, and especially when interacting with the young man, but her voice-over throughout the movie suggests she has deep and complicated feelings for him, expressed in a very attentive and clear way. She has known him only for a few weeks, maybe seven, but it feels like she hasknown him forever, as if life never existed before him. Many lovers are familiar with the intensity of such feelings, but there was also a ring of something comical to her words. The special feelings that we feel for someone, are not special at all, because we all have them. Those feelings are just important elements, basic survival instincts, and confined to the laws of attraction.

The couple is driving through quite an unreal, dark, cold, snowy, and noir countryside atmosphere. The young woman’s voice is narrating; we can hear her explaining how she feels for her boyfriend Jake, and when the voice says: “I am thinking of ending things…” it appears as if he could hear her thoughts. He asks loudly: “What?” She is somewhat surprised but quickly realizes that he couldn’t possibly hear her thoughts. Yet the idea of someone hearing our thoughts lingers on. We can’t hear someone’s words in their heads, but we can feel their mood, intentions, desire,essential nature. She continues the conversation with him, keeping her tone light, but she can’t shake the feeling that something strange is going on. She even turns to look at the back seat of the car, as if someone was sitting there and listening. Her voice is muffled upon her turn, and we can suddenly see the two of them from a different angle, from the perspective of someone standing outside and watching them passing by: him driving, and her seeing the empty seats. At that very moment, something changes: the regular viewer is turning into a witness.

For a brief second, we are seduced by the idea that Jake is a weird boyfriend and that something bad might happen at his parents’ home. When they pull into the driveway and get out of the car, Jake’s mother is already waving down at them from the upper window. She seems creepy,waiving endlessly; Jake is visibly uncomfortable. When they enter his home, the atmosphere changes from eerie to ambiguous. His parents’ home is imbued with all kinds of secrets, yet it feels pretty cozy. It is a typical parents’ home; it feels familiar but somehow smaller, and strangely outdated. Like a museum of one’s childhood. When Jake mentions the old family dog, the latter appears from somewhere, constantly shaking water from his fur, spinning in a strange loop, suggesting déjà-vu.

Jake and his girlfriend were supposed to return to town that same night, but the whole occasion seemed prolonged into a lifetime, or even maybe several (different) lifetimes. The young woman and Jake always look the same – unchangeable, but Jake’s parents are moving through time, like passing from one room into another. Their physical appearances change from middle-aged, to very old, then young again, and finally, his mother is seen on her deathbed. The young woman is fascinated by Jake’s kindness towards his parents and his character in general. She sees him as a very kind, educated, and supportive person. She believes that they make an interesting couple, but at the same time, she’s still thinking about ending things. Breakups and suicides are frequently associated with guilt, emotions that often remain with those left behind.

Do the same people meet time and time again in different lives? Is that why the feeling of closeness is so familiar? Sometimes we are lovers, sometimes brothers and sisters, parents, families, but it’s always the same circle. Two people meet, have children, the family grows bigger. They all grow old and die eventually. This time the young woman wants out of the loop. She sees the family photo and recognizes herself as a child. At one point, after they eat their first meal together, the young woman leans cozily on Jake’s father’s shoulder, as if she’sknown him for a very long time. Her gesture is so intimate, familiar. She was here before. She knows these people so well, yet she was just introduced to them today. We are all one.

A silent and caring janitor appears from time to time, mopping the corridor of a school. The young couple is seen dancing through the corridors and the school gym, almost clumsy at the beginning, then synchronized later on. The moment they perfect their dance, the janitor kills the young man. What is that cruel force that drives someone to slaughter another? Why such extreme behavior? Do we all have particular buttons, which can be pushed under certain circumstances? There are layers deep within us that are known only to us – if we are willing to see and accept them, of course.

One of the characters is a pig. Jake tells the young woman that their pig has been eaten alive by maggots due to neglect and has died. There are brutal things in life we pretend not to see, not to acknowledge. We all live on one planet, but we protect ourselves by pretending that some things can’t be changed, that they are none of our business. The pig, infested by maggots appears to be an animation. Was this to ease the horror and not offend the sensitive viewer? The animator connected with the viewer through the deep and soothing pig’s voice which explained the brutality. The pig’s life story was softened down into something pragmatic. It is what it is, but we can all walk together, listen, and acknowledge another fellow’s suffering. The one that needs comfort – comforts us. However, suffering appears acceptable for a brief moment, a short stand by, just enough for someone to recover – or die (and the suffering ends). Why do we need disclosure, a happy ending? What happens after the happy ending? Why do we enjoy watching a movie or reading a book whichpresents an intriguing idea that death is merely a transition, a form of change? Why do we want to be fed with curiosity and hope?

The movie ends with Jake on a stage in a big theater filled with people. We can see the young woman encouraging him with gestures, nodding, and smiling. His father sits in the first row, as his mother looks on proudly from her wheelchair on the stage: her special spot. Jake thanks everybody present, saying he couldn’t possibly have made it – if it hadn’t been for them: their encouragement, support, and the most wondrous thing of all – their love. Afterward, the additional props are rolled onto the stage and Jake starts singing. Everyone (including a grateful Jake) looks tired; their faces are weary and deeply wrinkled. They look unnatural, as we all usually do when in public. It’s all just theater. The big play of life and death. If – despite all of the pretense – we can still feel gratitude and love, we can sing our song at the end. We all need energy to survive; we need to eat, feed on something. Love is the only form of energy that reciprocates.

“Someone has to be a pig infested with maggots, right?” - The Pig

Doubt and reason

Wed, 20 May 2020 13:35:12 +0200

Last night I watched Sidney Lument’s movie 12 angry men (1957). The story is about twelve members of the jury whose task was to decide whether or not the convicted young man really killed his own father. Since the case seemed straightforward — there were some witnesses and ample material evidence supporting the case; the men decided to vote without further discussion by simply writing down words “guilty” or “not guilty”. Eleven men voted guilty and one disagreed. Since the rule of law was that the decision has to be unanimous they had to begin deliberating. Pretty soon a lively debate started and eventually went through every detail that was supposed to have happened that night. They were arguing about it and ended up competing on who is cleverer. The voting process continued until they’ve reached a unanimous verdict. Towards the end of the movie the situation has reversed; eleven men had reasonable doubt and thus voted the young man was not guilty but one still advocated him being guilty of the crime. When he tried to convince his fellow jury members he couldn’t come up with a reasonable argument, because his belief was a personal one. He had an ungrateful son who ran away from home because he had beaten him — very similar story like the one from the case except for the murder at the end. The man basically wanted to convict his own son, but he finally realized what was going on and cried out: “Not guilty”

Once the doubt was initiated, it went viral. Everybody started to doubt, question and debate. What was it that made the one man to be doubtful? When he was asked by fellow members of the jury to elaborate his doubt; he replied that he just wasn’t sure. And that little grain of doubt (“I’m not sure”) and of course a grain of good reason that triggered questioning, soul searching and discussing. Doubt and reason are like very close brothers. One without the other is pretty much incomplete. Doubt is very weak at the begging; hesitant, it starts with a little voice, very insecure, sometimes anxious, bit neurotic and lacking confidence. Doubt is also curios, creative, and playful like a child. A person with a lot of doubt can promise to build you a house on a certain date but since he is always doubtful about something thus he constantly delays the building part and gets behind schedule. Reason, on the other hand, appears to be very strong at the beginning, decisive, choleric, logical, confident and righteous, prefers routine and is very dependable. Reason is very strict, very parent like. A person who has a lot of reason can build and finish the house exactly on the promised date. But the house might not feel that cozy and can even be missing some important details.

Of course (almost) each person is harbouring the two brothers within, but the question is how can this two (brothers) begin the dialog? I remember once I had to write an essay on how to begin the dialog between philosophers and scientists. There has always been a disagreement between opposing parties, war between two different worlds, taking sides for one thing or another. A lot of disagreements starts at home; between family members, relatives, spouses and when on a personal level it includes emotional involvement and interest which makes it even harder to establish connection. What was the gain of 12 jury members and the accused? Who gained something and who nothing? Or is it possible that by achieving some great and indisputable truth everybody gained something? Accused was found not guilty and the jury members never have to wonder whether or not they were responsible for another murder. The man who was emotionally involved finally started to take responsibility for the difficult relationship between him and his son.

When the two brothers manage to restore their dialog — a third party is born. And that one is called relationship. For relationship to begin (and remain) one needs to learn how to act mature, an adult. How to differentiate between personal interested and emotional involvement from mutual satisfaction and alignment. To evolve from adolescence to maturity. To overcome the ego fixation. If one agrees to be childish and spoiled, then naturally it will attract an over controlling adult to set limits for him. People always yearn for balance, seek for something to complete the missing part, to sooth their frustrations — just like the real child who is entitled to a real adult so that one day he can learn how to regulate his frustration on his own. Positive psychology usually oversimplifies and teaches us through unquestioned positivity; “You are complete and you don’t need anybody to complete you and you are perfect just as you are.” These are incomplete statements and shortcuts. And shortcuts usually work only for a short time. Doubting and reasoning takes a longer time. It’s harder and way more frustrating. But at the end it pays off by real positivity; firm self-confidence, content, clarity and peace.

Once I met a woman who told me she suspects that her husband is cheating on her for obvious reasons. When I asked her if she confronted him with her suspicion she answered: “God, no. If I do that I will know the truth. And I am not ready to let him go.” So she nurtured her frustration for some time by visiting fortune-tellers instead. Eventually the couple separated; it turned out the women was right in her suspicions. She was devastated for some time, she again franticly sought help from the fortune-tellers and was not ready to face the real problem for quite some time. And that was in fact her strong dependency on the relationship itself and her false belief that she would have never survived without her husband. She dreaded her feelings she had on abandonment, loneliness and being alone in general. Only after she faced the real issue she was ready to move on.

Doubt is not a negative thing. It’s not something we should avoid by any cost. Doubt is our good companion: a friend, not a foe. When we start trusting our doubt and begin to ask questions, we are half way through with our frustration(s).

Doubt is always there for a good reason.

Illusions and the Meaning of Life

Thu, 05 Dec 2019 16:44:41 +0100

Not long ago I watched the Leonard Cohen documentary called I’m Your Man. Cohen’s songs were interpreted by some truly bona fide musicians. There was no shiny hair, no sexy costumes, no light shows, no expensive production. It was simply wonderful to watch someone on stage that appeared to be vulnerable and introduced songs in all of their musical and lyrical complexity in an honest way. True beauty was clearly visible on the faces of those genuine musicians. They weren’t drawing attention to themselves — but to the plain song.

For a very long time the fashion industry has dictated specific styles that become conspicuous and recognisable everywhere in the modern world. For example, in the 80’ we all wore those “memorable” shoulder pads, huge earrings, spandex, Lacoste, and sweaters tied around our necks. Everything that wasn’t in the 80’ style was obsolete. Today everything can be fashionable; we just need to choose something that suits us. Fashion and music (among other things) usually play a big role in the formation of identity (punk is rebellious, rock ’n’ roll is cool and tolerant, disco is happy, jazz is perfect and nerdy, polkadot dresses are retro, animal fur is snobbish, hats are eccentric,etc.). We are all choosing and deciding how we want to be defined and recognized, whether to deviate or belong, even when we wear plain jeans and a T-shirt

The present time always reflects past doings; as you sow, so shall you reap. Even if we didn’t have direct influence on the doings of our predecessors, we can change what we didn’t like and make it better for new generations. Sometimes it’s truly impossible to imagine how much we all are connected and how everything has its consequences. The decade that we live in today has turned out to be pretty narcissistic and audacious. It all about oneself, what one feels, thinks, wants to do — everybody and everything else that doesn’t include the all-important me– is simply boring. This decade is also characterized by depression and anxiety — warning signs that we are not living the life that is true for us, as if someone else chose it for us (certain ideas that were not ours to begin with) and we are going along with it only because we don’t know any better. We mostly live the way we were taught. Whether we force ourselves to take jobs we hate because we need to pay the bills or stay for the wrong reasons in marriages where there is no love, we become more and more tired, physically sick, unfulfilled, confused, depressed. What narcissism and anxiety both have in common, and in a way both suggest by their symptoms, is a desire for change and recognition of one’s true self.

Sometimes it feels like we have finally reached the era of chaos — there are so many different things going on around us that don’t make a lot of sense: wars (mostly in the Middle East, where we still find extremely old cultures and their orthodox customs and realities), global warming, pollution, more and more extreme poverty, and diseases caused by the stresses of life. Yet the fact is that everything alive will one day die. Not just the living creatures of the natural world, but old ideas and cultures as well. There is no eternity, just an endless chain of different life spans.

For a long time now humans have chosen to live in the cities, disconnected, unhappy and in competition. I guess going back to a past when people use to live in tribes is probably out of the question, for most of us anyway. Transitioning or even perishing may have been a result of poverty or warfare among people or against nature, but similar decline has befallen even tribal people, many of whom have themselves been conquerors and warriors killing and destroying other tribes for land, women, and animals. So there is really no romantic truth about the tribal living of the past. Some did manage to live peacefully for a while. But the fact is that human beings are both loving, caring and intelligent on the one hand, and power thirsty, greedy and selfish on the other. That’s just the way it is. Like sun and shadow, powerful natural forces like water, fire, earth and wind have both good (creative) and bad (destructive) qualities. But where can we possibly go from here and be generally content and satisfied?

Humans tend to overcomplicate life by holding onto certain ideas and pursuing, explaining and trying to convince others of the truth of certain dogmas and beliefs. But it’s the illusions that are truly destructive.Pretending that we kill and conquer for some higher purpose, pretending that a sun tan is truly sexy and beautiful — while in truth we are merely damaging our skin. Illusions have always been attractive because they help people cope with life and avoid reality and its responsibilities. Sometimes it seems that people prefer to believe in the supernatural and magical rather than live in the present moment fully. Even if a higher power really exists, it’s still our responsibility to live in this present reality and to rely on what we can see, feel, smell, touch, hear — and most importantly, on our ability to think. Everything that is beyond that will reveal itself to us when the time is right. Or not.

Maybe in this coming era we will gradually became more realistic and truthful about who we really are. Old ideas will slowly begin to perish, and new ones will, hopefully, be more realistic. But does everything old have to be destroyed in order to create something new? Do we restore the old house or must we tear it down to build a new one? And does the new house end up resembling the old one so much that it doesn’t really matter? Can we every really escape old ideas?

Viktor Frankl in his book Man’s search for Meaningdescribes his life in a concentration camp during World War ll. In the camp everybody was completely stripped of illusions. Frankl tells the story of a man who is sleeping next to him and is having a nightmare. Frankl chooses not wake him up, on the grounds that no nightmare could be worse than the reality they were actually in. Can you imagine the horror of a situation where your worst nightmare is better than the actual life you’re living? When there are no illusions and one is faced with a daunting reality that seems like perpetual darkness, there is obviously still the freedom of will within everybody to choose whether to just wait for death or to actually live, no matter how limited circumstances are. Living despite a multitude of torments, hunger, loss of family and every material possession, humiliation, cold weather and gas chambers — what stops one from committing suicide in those horrific circumstances? Is it the capacity to surrender and accept life for what it is? Fear in the most challenging times awakens the desire to escape and project, which may ultimately lead to killing. Fear in fact is resistance. When one lets go of all expectations and desires, I guess the only thing that is left is the freedom to be kind. Kindness, sharing and talking helped Frankl and those who survived the horror of Holocaust. That much, at least, no one can take away from us.

In the present day, illusions seem to be better than reality. We are seduced and are seducing ourselves with every available distraction. We are dreaming and don’t want to wake up. Can it be that our reality has become that bad? Generally speaking these past few years were full of challenges and it’s very hard to single out real facts from all the illusions around us. But reality is what it is. Accepting it means letting go of illusions, which is also the greatest leap towards freedom and the good things in life.

In the song “Nature Boy,” Nat King Cole sings: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” I often wonder what the world would be like if most of us could live that reality?

Being Friends with an Ex

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 09:48:36 +0100

Today while browsing internet bookstores I came across a book called Temptations of the Single Girl by Nina Atwood about maintaining friendly relationships with former partners. The author believes that friendship is possible, but that it is also full of challenges and can be quite difficult.

But is this really true? Emotional connectedness is almost the same as the connection between friends; we are connected to our friends by and through emotions such as affection, acceptance, understanding, and support. An ex-partner is a person to whom we have had an emotional, sexual and physical connection. Lets assume that a couple has had a friendly breakup without resentment or conflict and that they have basically agreed to disagree and moved on. But, what happens when ex-partners who have come to be in fundamental disagreement expect understanding, acceptance, and support from each other? If we take as an example partners who split up because one wanted children and the other didn't, what can happen if the partner who did not want children ends up having them in a new relationship quickly? If both partners are (still) mature, they will recognize that the issue of children was only the superficial expression of a much deeper conflict between them, and in this case they can remain friends. It can happen, however, that the one who wanted children is beset with jealousy and feels rejected and betrayed. He or she may experience confusion and feel as if important things were left unsaid and may only then come to recognize that children were not the only thing missing from the relationship.

When we enter into a partner relationship, we surrender to it, trust in it, and feel like »this is it«. We imagine that we have found a partner who will remain with us until the end of our days. We believe that we will share all of life with our partner – the good and the bad – and that we will grow and overcome hardships together. When things don't turn out that way and the relationship ends, we need time to process it and clarify its meaning, forgive, and leave it behind. This process most commonly involves being confronted with our own emotional blocks, and the task at hand is to resolve them. Returning to the example of the couple who ostensibly separated over the question of whether or not to have children, both partners may later discover that the conflict was actually a result of poor communication, emotional immaturity, lack of experience, different reasons for entering into the relationship in the first place, and so forth. The partner who now feels rejected and jealous most likely experienced those feelings in the past as well, and the current situation provides an excellent springboard from which to begin resolving these feelings. Meanwhile, the partner that did not want children in the first relationship but now has them in the second perhaps did not initially have the courage to accept the responsibility that comes with having children. Maybe this person was raised by parents who themselves were not responsible or mature enough for the parenting role.

They say that all roads lead to Rome, but the way is not without its detours. In a sense we could say that the main highway is always being repaired. At times, a sense of frustration at how long the process seems to take may appear, but there may also be things that happen along the way that help us finally recognize and understand why we have taken the this particular route.

Friendship between ex-partners is possible, but there may be little need for it, particularly when we come to see the what the real purpose of the relationship was. In such a case, friendship may instead be replaced by respect, gratitude, and acceptance. A respectful relationship is particularly important when the now-former partners have children together. Separation is extremely difficult for children, and it is essential that both parents agree to work together in their interest. The relationship between ex-partners might best be compared to the relationship we have with our relatives: we see each other occasionally because we are related and have a shared experience (in the case of partners, possibly including children) that will keep us connected throughout our lives. The time we spend together may also be highly relaxed and enjoyable. But when we need a friend, it may be best to call someone who has never played any other role in our lives. Someone who has been our friend – and nothing else.

Westworld

Wed, 26 Oct 2016 17:37:24 +0200

Couple of weeks ago HBO started their new series called Westworld. So far only three episodes have been aired but because of familiar elements like control, fear, dream like reality, no emotions – the series reminded me of “1984” by George Orwell in a modernized edition.

We humans are spiritual creatures and no matter how hard we hold on to our everyday reality, things we know, that are proven scientifically – we can still be puzzled by consciousness on life in general. Life is what it is, of course. But how much are we really aware of it? Why things are the way they are and why isn’t life a bit more certain? What is going on around us, within us, why we meet certain people, why are we prone to some diseases and some not, why are we reading certain books, watching movies, visiting certain places. In the movie Vanilla Sky they suggest we might be in constant persuasion of the fragmented past events that were imprinted in our consciousness during our childhood or early life. For example if a woman watched a movie, that moved her deeply because the main character was a great looking man who saved the world, adored his lovely wife – maybe subconsciously she was searching for the very same man who even looks very similar to the actor - to be her husband. Psychologists might suggest that a women might be in pursue of a similar story because of what she lacked in her childhood and early life and now she needs someone who can help her facing her demons? What if we really don’t know how to move on without someone else’s help? Is fear of unknown and not knowing setting limitations upon us and spins us in one endless loop?

In Westworld we can watch the entertainment park which looks like a Western and is “inhabited” by human robots which look and behave exactly like real humans. Each robot has a certain role to play; a gentle cowboy, mailman, prostitute(s), barman, sheriff, talkative stranger etc. Park is built exclusively for “real people’s” entertainment; they come to this park to found out who they really are or to recognize the self-most primitive instinct, because here everything is allowed, even to kill, rape, and abuse. Real people can kill robots, who are repaired afterwards, but robots can’t kill real people. Real people walk to the park through the entrance but robots are in fact in the factory and move to park through consciousness, similar like in a dream. The other scene in the series is the factory where robots are being “half awaken” or summoned from the park (when back in the park they are not supposed to remember the factory). Technicians repair them, reboot them, give further instructions and delete every bad thing that happened during the day or night – if some bad memories are left, robots can interpret it as a dream or nightmares which makes them even more real in roles they are playing. Character Dolores is a beautiful robot, programmed with certain emotions, reason and predefined life philosophy. Dolores is kind and positive in character, her loop role in the park is waking up happy, greeting her father, going to town, meeting her love and going for a walk with him, where her lover promises her that one day he will take her to some other great place and marry her. Loop continues and varies only very little each time; real people appear while lovers are together – usually only to kill him and rape her.

In the park robot’s behavior is more human like than that of the real humans. It was suggested that certain humans are visiting Westworld Park to experience the fear and vulnerability, which robots could sincerely present while being slaughtered and raped. That very experience made the whole thing even more realistic – paradoxically real for real humans. Did real humans need the violent experience in order to stay in touch with their humanity - which they couldn’t find within themselves and within their real homes (where they might be abused and/or someone’s victims)? Isn’t there a very similar situation in the real life between the persecutor (criminal) and the victim? Lust for extremes; victim’s fear, vulnerability – sensations that make persecutor feel something, to be more alive. Since sociopaths are not tuned in with their own feelings they need someone else to feel it for them. Humans in general need to feel. Feelings makes us alive; we need to feel joy, anger, fear, sadness. After we give ourselves permission to feel we can evolve further and feel what other people feel – be empathetic, compassionate. Be human like. Do we really need persecutors or even wars to remind us that we need to feel? George Orwell suggested that if we don’t feel we can be controlled - which creates co-depended relationship between us and ones that control us. But as soon as one starts to feel, control is no longer possible. Feelings help us understand, to be aware of what happened in the past and what is happening at the moment. See for what it really is - and accept it. As a consequence a person can start avoiding certain situations (when there is a storm outside, there is no need to stay out in the open). Maybe set some limits (by opening an umbrella) or even surrender to the feeling (sometimes when caught out there in the showers one can just enjoy the rain). Accept, surrender and feel, and mostly: be aware. As long as we are willing to feel and face the real forces of beauty and ugliness that accompanies all living creatures - nothing really bad can happen, no matter how dark and cloudy it looks at certain moment.

In the Westworld series Bernard lost his young son and seems to have become overly emotional. He is feeling sad, vulnerable and ready to find more answers on human consciousness. When he summoned Dolores he asked her to answer his question sincerely and not the way she was programmed. She surprised him by the unexpected insightfulness. He ordered her to go back in the park, play her usual role but at the same time keep her insightful thinking. He wanted to know where the new level of awareness within her is coming from. When Dolores returned to the park, she simply couldn’t pretend anymore; she transcendent from her victim role to someone who is aware, assertive and decisive. She run away from the crime scene where she was to be raped again and fell exhausted in the arms of a real human who was camping there with his friend somewhere deep in the park.

Dolores’s father was the first in the park who felt some strange sensation by seeing a photo that triggered something in him. Soon after that he was summoned to the factory for repairs and was later on put in storage. Before leaving the park he whispered to his daughter’s ear a sentence written by Shakespeare (from Romeo and Juliet): “These violent delights have violent ends”. Dolores was affected by her father’s words and she spread the word talking to the town prostitute Maeve. Maeve also felt something strange within her and she started to re-collect her (semi-erased) memories. Robots on some level realize the meaning of violence, dying, delights and are deeply moved by those words that were finally spoken out loud.

When a certain hunch or recognition reaches one person it can spread throughout other people’s minds like a virus. We are all connected. Humans live in a mutual reality which is colored by certain atmosphere. People with similar thoughts and feelings connect to each other easily. But in order to connect – we need to think and feel. When not - we’re only connected to the fear, our prosecutor.

“If emotions were universal, then in one sense he was not alone, never had been alone, and never could be alone... No pain or happiness was unique. All humanity drank from the same river of emotion; and by drinking, every race, religion, and nationality became one indivisible species.” (Dean Koontz).